Journal Entry 5- After a Dive
Morning, I wrote:
It's so early I don't feel well. My entire body is rebelling against the light creeping through the pane, in spite of the fervent protestations I am emitting. My physical body and the rest of my sense talents despise the work weaved by the sun's rays. The gift of sensing was not made for bright sun in the morning. I do not feel as though I work properly, in this moment. I should probably go back to bed. My jaw, hanging loosely from its axle, the slow moving machine that is my body . . . the dull buzzing in my brain that floats enters my mind from beyond the sunny pane, allowed entrance through that pane by its mercy, because the pane hates me . . . sickening with its blinding sun and oustide noises, pane which allows day to enter. Where is a blanket? Let me cover up the day which the pane bleeds.
"Constance, honey." My mother's voice, softened into a squeezed rag that's been rung out to a waterless piece that was not in current operation, drifted over to me like a foreign sound that did not belong to her. She appeared from behind the doorway where I'd been sitting wedged like cheese between a sandwish. The lines of consternation on her olive colored forehead were heavy signs of the reality that I'd been trying to escape. I could not find blankets for either the sun . . . nor my mother's enlongated expression. Everything blared the day itself, everything, everywhere I looked . . . all reality. It was all reality. Elongation hung from the robes in the bathroom where mother found me, which nearly dragged on the floor they were so lengthy. It hung from my mother and it hung from the day . . . I could not escape the longness. Please don't remind me of yesterday! Almost inadvertently, I buried my face within my elbows.
"Constance, please come out for breakfast, sweetheart."
"Not right now."
"Constance . . . "
"No, no, I don't want to."
"But you- " She was bending close to me. Her black jacket crept up to my face, and I wanted to scream suddenly.
"Mom- will you- get away from me please. Please just - " I was inundated in a terror such as I had never felt before. It was like bubble wrap and was squeezing me tightly, so tightly that I could not breathe. My heart was pounding against my chest. "Please! Please just- go away. Please! Please!" I started to shriek, and could feel any slight leftover trailing of control leave as the noise was rent from me. Pretty soon the noises developed into raw screams, totally out of my grasp, as if some monster was tearing apart my insides, creating this horror within me that I could not manage. This unabating fire swept through my physical body. It wanted out, and out, and out! "Mom, pleeeeease!"
I was not aware of anything or anyone around me. I could see only blackness, a sleeve that enshrouded me. A couple of fleeting minnows. Arms and legs flailing as I tried to swim with them. Minnows. Take me away with you, I thought, trying to grasp at some sort of hope through this terrifying din.
"Constance." A hard, rocky voice forced through all the racket making me stop. I gulped, twice.
"Au-Austin. What are you doing?" My legs and knees were shaking. "Who let you in here? How did you get here?"
"It's not important." He waved a hand. "You need to stop this wailing. You are disturbing the cats in the house. I just saw one flee to the basement with its tail between its legs" He smiled slightly.
I let out a very strange laugh. Then I started crying.
"Oh, Austin!" I had never been so glad to see anyone.
"Shhh." He wrapped his arms loosely around me as I broke down. "Ohhh." I sobbed uncontrollably for an entire, robust minute in his arms. "I'm sor- I'm sor " I knew this wasn't proper. I was taking advantage of my friend. But my body was shivering with tremors, and I needed him to hold me still. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry. I'll wash my clothes if you let your nose run." I tried to laugh weakly.
"I'm not sick."
"Alright." He rubbed his left hand in light circles across my back as I lay pressed against him. I didn't say anything else. For five minutes, we sat in this unseemly position on the bathroom floor. I quieted eventually as my strength was sapped from me completely. I felt slightly drunk. I think I was falling asleep.
"I think I'm falling asleep." He didn't say anything. I snuggled up against his chest and let him support my head. I was too weak to fight it. The world was snuffed again into blackness, but this time it was peaceful. Nothing like that awful lake. No minnows. I wanted to stay here forever. For an eternity it seemed, I didn't know anything else. The world was dead, and that was just how I wanted it.